I am estranged from my mother (and other family members) due to past family trauma.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father. When I was 16, I disclosed this to my mother through a series of truly unfortunate events (details can be found in Caskets From Costco). We pursued legal action, and nothing happened – meaning, he was not convicted or trialed or jailed or anything like that.

A few months later, through another series of unfortunate events, he showed up at our home. My mother took him back, over my protests. A few weeks after that, he walked away, got a divorce from my mother, and married somebody else. So, yeah, Mother’s Day can be tough.

There are many reasons that this holiday can cause discomfort and pain. Here are some tips to help manage PTSD around Mother’s Day.

Make a Mother’s Day Plan

One of the ways to manage ourselves and PTSD triggers during Mother’s Day is to make a self-care plan. Here’s an example that might help.

Acknowledge what is difficult about the day. If you wake up and you can tell it’s a tough day, acknowledge that reality. Simple acknowledgement goes a long way toward peace.

Decide what you will not do. Many times, deciding what you will not do is far easier than figuring out what you like or want to do. For instance, I will NOT be doing the dishes that day.

Schedule everything, including rest, for that day. Figure out what you’d like to eat, do, and even wear (pajamas, anyone?)

Ask for help. Manage expectations, including your own. If you want or need something, ask a safe person in your life to help you out.

Focus on what you love. I don’t mean toxic positivity, where you pretend that you’re happy and “everything’s fine.”. I mean finding one tiny (or big) thing during a moment that you love. Maybe it’s the taste of chocolate on your tongue or the feel of your favorite sweater.

Making a plan is one of the proactive ways to manage triggers on a day of emotional landmines. This can help you stay present, which can be really difficult to do with PTSD.

Seek Peace with Grounding Techniques

One of the toughest things to do when having a trigger is becoming aware of it either right before it happens or when it’s happening. Awareness of triggers can help build in pauses – maybe the tiniest of pauses – where we are reminded to ground ourselves.

Here is a video I made of a breathing exercise that I like to do when I feel agitated.

Other easy grounding exercises include the 5-4-3-2-1 and the what I call “the color picker.” In the 5-4-3-2-1, count 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. With “the color picker,” look around and count how many things around you are red (or another color, if you prefer).

In a trigger emergency, I’ll share a secret with you that one of my therapists taught me. If you are agitated and feeling out of control, stand up and spin or twirl 10 times in a row. This taps into the where the vagus nerve hits the inner ear, and gives us a reset.

Be Gentle With Yourself

No matter what, let’s be gentle with ourselves.

We deserve peace, especially on Mother’s Day.

About Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Kelly Wilson of PTSD Parent is a Trauma Recovery Coach and Grief Recovery Specialist. In 2020, she worked with a therapist and completed PTSD Remediation, a technique that uses the vagus nerve to eradicate PTSD triggers.

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The post Making Mother’s Day a Peaceful Holiday appeared first on PTSD Parent.

It’s not a vacation until someone has a meltdown, especially if you’re with family. This can be even more of a certainty for those of us with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Lately, I like to refer to my PTSD trigger events as “crap attacks.” First, it makes me laugh. Second, I got it from the TV show Bob’s Burgers, which I binged on during the last year and it is now one of my favorites. I believe the line was spoken by Tina – a teenager – who said, “Geez, Mom and Dad, don’t have a crap attack.” Since I have teenagers, I busted a gut so hard my kids now randomly yell out, “Crap attack!”

My PTSD “crap attacks” can show up even on the most relaxing or fun vacation. Here are some ways that we can take care of ourselves to avoid PTSD triggers during this down time.

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Manage Expectations of the Vacation

Some vacations do not feel like my idea of a “vacation.” I move at a slower pace than most people. While I enjoy and appreciate adventure, I’m also up for hours in the sun by the pool, dozing and reading. Others in my family – with whom I love to spend time – do not appreciate all of this down time; they like to stay on the move.

For example, when we go to Disneyland with the high school band, I know that I’m not going to have hours by the pool. I know that it will be an exciting and busy series of days, which I will enjoy, but can also make me cranky. I know that the crowds and music and heat will get to me after awhile, and I’ll probably hide somewhere – even in the nearest bathroom. Not my ideal, but managing my expectations for the vacation ahead can help me keep my emotions in check.

I don’t need to plan out every day of my vacations, but I do like to be prepared before I get there. I check out the weather, the hotel, and read up on any of the places we plan to visit. This helps me manage my expectations for the days ahead.

Bring Comforting Stuff

Hotels can feel sterile to me, even when they’re nice. I don’t know about you, but I can never have enough blankets and pillows. I always pack a thin but comfy and familiar blanket with me, along with my favorite pjs, snacks, books (on my Kindle to make packing easier), and even a couple of movies or shows I can stream.

Sometimes new surroundings can be overwhelming, and coming back to our familiar and favorite things can be very comforting. When I feel extra tired and my defenses are down, I can take a time out with a good book or one of my favorite shows, do some meditation, eat a filling snack, and be ready to head out again.

Do the Boring Stuff

It’s really tempting to have the “Hey, It’s Vacation!” mindset about everything, this may not be the best choice. At least, it’s not sustainable for me. Sure, I can eat a bacon burger and drink a couple of beers and miss my meds for a day and stay up until 2 a.m., but I will pay the consequences.

That’s the hard truth that I need to remember. I make choices and there are consequences. When I don’t do the typical self-care routines that keep me sane, my defenses can fail and PTSD crap attacks are more likely to occur.

On vacation, I try to do as many routine things as possible. If I don’t go to bed at the same time I usually do at home, that’s cool, but I need to try and get eight to ten hours of sleep. I eat regularly throughout the day – more often if we’re walking all day long, like at an amusement park. I pack my meds where I can see them, making them easy to find and take each day. While it’s tempting to skip out on this boring stuff, it can help reduce the chances of a PTSD trigger event.

Take a Time Out

Since I get overwhelmed in my own home, it’s reasonable to expect that I may be overwhelmed at some point while on vacation. Regardless of where I’m vacationing, I plan one evening that I call, “Introvert Night!”

Instead of hanging out with everyone else, I stay in my room and enjoy the quiet. Taking advantage of the clean bathtub, I take a soothing bath. I enjoy room service, splurging a little on dinner. I watch a movie or two and read. If there are other introverts that I’m traveling with, I invite them into my sanctuary…or I don’t. It just depends on what I need.

Vacations offer us a chance to manage our PTSD so that we won’t have any pesky crap attacks while we’re trying to relax. Take some time to plan what you might need so that you can make the most out of your vacation.

The post How to Not Have a PTSD Crap Attack During Vacation appeared first on PTSD Parent.

Really, I thought that continuing to go to the PTSD support group might kill me. Yes, I’m being dramatic. The PTSD support group is not full of ninjas or anything. However, it reminds me a bit of Fight Club, in that outside of PTSD Fight Club, we don’t talk about PTSD Fight Club, and I feel beat up after each session.

I was only on the second week of a ten week series, and I thought seriously of not going back. Going to the meetings themselves involved a lot of girding of the brain and loins. The baring your soul with other people. The learning more about this bitch of a disorder. The diarrhea right before the support group meeting. The homework (that I completed in the clinic bathroom ten minutes before group started). The being accountable for the new information I was learning. The agitation and restlessness and weepiness.

The sheer fatigue after each meeting. The support group only met for an hour and a half, which left me feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. The idea of attending Oldest’s High School Open House the same day was overwhelming, sending me straight to bed for the afternoon.

Preparing Oldest for High School

It wasn’t just that I was adjusting to the new PTSD support group and learning so many new things about myself that I thought my brain would explode. A big part of my preparation was just realizing that my oldest child who was born only two pounds, 12 ounces almost three months early now stands six feet tall and is in high school.

I have been in denial about this all summer. Guess what? Just because you feel numb about something doesn’t keep it from happening. As I lay in bed that afternoon trying to sleep, I kept thinking over and over again, my oldest is in high school. I can totally do this. I am totally getting hardcore PTSD triggered right now. (What’s a PTSD trigger? Go here for more info)

It would be an understatement to say that high school was traumatic for me. Going to high school in and of itself was actually a safe place, but the rest of my life was a shitshow. It was not surprising to me that the idea of being in high school was triggering to me.

And even though my entire life basically fell apart while I was in high school and I was completely triggered by *my* kid being a teenager, I had to support him.

I knew I was strong enough to do that, but I wasn’t sure how that would play out. Should I ask someone to come with me for support? Could I plan on leaving the event early? Could I talk myself through the difficulties of the evening? What about meditating? What self care skills could I use?

Showing Up Through PTSD Triggers

There would be many friends of ours at the high school open house, including a few I could corner and ask for help if I needed it. Plus, I could always call a friend on my phone. I decided that I was going to do this, and I had a plan. 

After we had arrived at the Open House, Oldest took me on a tour of his typical day. We went to the auditorium and listened to opening remarks by the administration. We visited his classes, which were each five minutes in length. Other parents with their oldest kids entering high school looked as shell shocked as I felt; I found this comforting.

Parents perched on the edge of chairs usually occupied by their kids, looking nervous. A series of teachers explained their syllabi and expectations and best ways to communicate. I kept saying to myself, my oldest is in high school. I can totally do this. I am totally getting hardcore PTSD triggered right now. Until we were almost to the end of the evening.

It was “sixth period” of the Open House during which Oldest’s English Teacher with a ponytail kind of slapped me in the face.

Yes, I’m being dramatic, he didn’t *literally* slap me in the face. He sat facing us, the group of nervous parents, looking us each in the eyes and saying, “It’s okay. If they show up and do the work, they’ll be fine.”

My whole body flinched. I realized in a moment that I had shown up not just once, but twice that day. I was doing the work.

I was going to be okay.

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Oh Yeah, I Can Do Hard Things

As we headed home, Oldest mentioned that high school, while certainly more fun, was a bit intimidating. How would he keep up with everything? What if he missed something or made a mistake?

“Well, it’s like Mr. English Teacher said,” I reminded him, “if you show up and do the work, you’ll be fine.”

For a little while, I had forgotten. I can do hard things. I’ve done hard things, over and over again. Also, that’s what she said.

This scrappy English teacher reminded me that there is value in putting feet to the floor and being willing to move forward. Triggered or not, I had shown up for my kid.

I had shown up for myself.

Searching for Hope and Inspiration? Check Out Caskets From Costco

A Funny and Poignant Grief Book

For twenty years, I thought that I had been marching through the stages of grief in a straight line. I had been following the formula, crossing each processed grief experience off my list.

Except that I was totally deluded. And I didn’t discover that until Jim, my beloved father-in-law, died. I found myself drying off from my shower the morning after his death, really hoping he couldn’t see me naked. Or, if he could, that he was averting his eyes.

From that moment, my path through grief resembled a roller coaster, spiraling and twisting and turning, circling back around. Echoes of past trauma, including childhood abuse and cheating death, would no longer be ignored. I somehow needed to get from the beginning to the end of this grief adventure, and I don’t have a good sense of direction.

But what is always present during a journey through grief, regardless of the path chosen?

Hope.

Caskets From Costco is a funny grief book that demonstrates the certainty of hope and healing in an uncertain and painful world.

Go Here to Read a Free Excerpt of Caskets From Costco!

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