I am so angry, I thought during my guided mindfulness meditation.
While it’s not part of every PTSD diagnosis, anger is part of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A common response to trauma of all kinds, this emotional response gives us energy to keep going, and it helps us cope with the stresses of life. The main problem is that we tend to respond to stresses of all kinds at our highest levels of anger.
If you have PTSD, then you know what it’s like to live at a higher level of arousal, from irritation to rage. My muscles are constantly tense, especially in my neck and shoulders, and I operate at a high level of tension – tightly wound, as I like to say – which is my normal state. I am a deep feeler, an intense person; this means that my anger responses are more intense. Many times, I don’t know what to do with all of my emotions.
[Tweet “With PTSD, I don’t know what to do with my emotions, especially anger.”]
Anger is Not Always Violent
While some people with PTSD respond with violence, this isn’t my experience. I go the “freeze” or “flight” response. People like me push down or hide our anger response, and it comes out in self-destructive ways. This could be self-harm, irritability in general and in relationships, trouble sleeping, and addictive behaviors, among others.
My pattern is to notice my emotion, identify it, panic a little because I don’t know what to do next, and shut down. I spend some time denying that I’m angry, because I don’t always know how to deal with it. Maybe if I ignore it, the anger will simply dissipate. Right? No, this never happens.
So How Do I Deal with the Anger?
After going through the denial phase, I decide that I need to somehow resolve this emotion, at least inside myself. I remind myself that I am not a victim, that I am in charge of my mental health. I may go for a really long walk, or write about the events and corresponding emotions, or both. I will eventually decide that I need to face the issue head-on with the other person (if there is one).
I was recently in the middle of dealing with anger when I couldn’t sleep one night. I felt unsettled and agitated and impatient. The situation wasn’t panning out as I had hoped; ultimately this would be okay, because I really only needed to cultivate peace inside of me.
I often practice mindfulness meditation when I’m agitated, especially when I can’t sleep. I sat, listening to the app on my phone, sitting on the floor, legs crossed and hands on my knees. I thought, “I am so angry.” Which seemed entertaining to me during a meditation session, because I imagine I’m supposed to be all Zen and crap, and that is not how any of that works for me.
A picture formed in my mind of this plaque we had hanging on the wall of our house when I was a kid. Along with “Peace” and “Hope” and “Love”, my abusive parents – the two angriest people I knew – had that verse from scripture about not letting the sun go down on your anger. I almost choked on the irony.
Humor Also Helps
As I was meditating on this vision, I immediately thought of a joke. Because if I have PTSD and corresponding anger, and I’m not supposed to go to bed angry, then I guess I will never sleep again.
I laughed, wrote down my joke, and went to bed. I slept like a baby.
